From the Desk of Hunter Jackson

[Gordy]

There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
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Case File #0: Norman Osborn's Secret

What I'm telling you readers is the truth: Norman Osborn is not to be trusted. I'm sure everything he's doing is part of a greater scheme. I know it, you know it, we all know it. No one can trust the president. The question is: what exactly is his scheme?

If you re-arrange the letters in Norman Virgil Osborn, you get "robs nonliving armor." Now pray tell, what is unliving armor? That's right: Iron Man's armor. Why would Norman rob Tony Stark? Because he's leading S.H.I.E.L.D. And a shield, of course, is also nonliving armor. There is no such thing as a coincidence.

Now you see what's going on, right? The president wants to usurp control from S.H.I.E.L.D. (To steal, or "rob" the nonliving armor.) hence why HAMMER has become so active lately. Hence why he's been mounting assaults on unregistered heroes. Hence why he's president. Hence why he has no qualms hiring villains to work for him. Everything he's doing is a calculated plan to weaken his enemy's forces, take control over S.H.I.E.L.D. and, by extension, superheroes to further his own goals.

Now who's also the head of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Think about it: who has an actual shield and represents America? Captain America. Now you see another layer to this mess. The president (a corrupt politician) wants to steal power from America and wield it for himself.

That's not to say we can trust Captain America or Iron Man, either. We all know there isn't even a "true" Captain America; he's just been replaced by lookalikes for years. Iron Man has ties to the military and a history of suspect behavior. But as much as I don't trust them, I trust Norman even less.

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That's my soul up there

[Gordy]

There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
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Dear Sinister Sinister, 

Unfortunately, we are working together. I have every reason to believe that this partnership is doomed for failure, and I'll be the only one to suffer for it. I've made peace with that, along with the fact that your other goals will crash and burn within months. Our destruction is assured, it's just a matter of finding out what does is in. With that in mind, I've come up with several issues to consider as we move forward, in the hopes of delaying our inevitable deaths.

Issue 1: Inhumans
Description: I have reason to believe their Terrigen Mists are poisonous to mutants. In theory, they could simply drop down down Terrigen-based bombs down on us and wipe out our species within moments.
Solution: If we suspect they will come for us, we need to strike first. We can call on Magneto to lift several nuclear warheads into space and drop them on the moon. With luck, their city will be able to defend itself. But the Inhumans will suffer serious damages, which will force them to retreat and recover. With them out of the way, we can hopefully avoid disaster until you inevitably f*** us all over.

Issue 2: Doctor Doom
Description: With Kristoff von Doom on our island, we have boosted magical defenses. But should Doctor Doom turn his gaze upon Genosha, we stand no chance against him.
Solution: Who can beat Doctor Doom? Mephisto. In order to sway Mephisto to our side, I propose we sacrifice Kristoff, as well as 99 mutant lives, to the Dark One. With Doom off of our backs, we can survive long enough for global warming to poison our water supplies and render us all enfeebled and infertile.

You will find an attachment listing all mutants registered under the SRA, ranked in order of whose souls are most likely appealing to Mephisto. Number 8 will shock you. Thankfully, no one important has made the top 30. Despite being heroes, many of the X-Men have committed horrible, soul-staining acts and atrocities. 

Issue 3: Skrulls
Description: You should be familiar with these guys. They have been an increasing threat to humanity for thousands of years, and every day they get closer to subverting our society and turning us against each other.
Solution: Studies have proven that humans who eat Skrull meat may develop the ability to see Skrulls in their true form. The biggest risk to us is that ingesting Skrull meat can kill a person over time. 

My solution is to kill a Skrull and have you and your clones feast on its body. Your body is resistant to sickness and disease, so they should be fine. If not, I'm willing to sacrifice your lives for the greater good. Eat the Soylent Green, head to parliament and take down all the Skrulls in that wretched nest. You will look like a hero to the masses, America can finally begin to heal from the festering wound that they have created, and we'll live long enough for Ultron to swoop down and finish what he started. 

I will begin writing a report on several other solutions to possible threats, including my thoughts on trans-inclusive radical misogyny, intersectional vampirism, and the Genoshan fursuit trade.

With the barest minimum of cordiality,
Marvelous 


PS: This list is completely sarcastic. You must be a stupid jerk if you think otherwise. 
PPS: Just kidding. I know you're not stupid.

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That's my soul up there