Captain's Log (Captain Marvel)

[John Kilroy]

Captain's Log

Some of my subornments suggested I start going back to an old habit and writing in this thing. They said it'd probably help me avoid drinking. While a huge part of me views this as a waste of time perhaps it can provide some form of stimulation. Stars only know I need it. I had that dream again, though I'm not sure if it's so much a dream at this point as it is a flashback.

Mckinny was a wake-up call for almost everyone especially me. Heroes need to change. It's not enough for us just to be good citizens we have to be good citizens and good subjects. I know people look at me right now as the enemy, but they don't see things as I see them. They are.... well I'll be kind and say ignorant. They may not understand things now. But a child never understands the wisdom of a parent until they are much older. Right now heroes and humanity as a whole is in a growing stage and just like with all growth there is pain, but things WILL prove to be better in the long run.

Heh, look at me getting all philosophical, I suppose it's better than drinking, I guess. I suppose this is where I should end it. 

[John Kilroy]

Captain's Log

This whole thing has become a drain on me. I'm pretending to be something I'm not, I wish I could show everyone the real me, but duty before desire. I know people hate me. The name-calling, the insults. As I said in my last log, people don't understand things now but they will.

I got into another binge. I've long lost track of how much liquor I have consumed since becoming the main enforcer of the SRA. it's amazing how easy it is to fall into that trap. It starts at one, then two, then three, and then before you know it you've drank so much that you can't taste anything because you're so trashed, how can anyone live like this? How can I live like this?

Maybe at some point, I need to recommend Congress revive the Prohibition Act. At the very least I need to talk to Tony because there is no way I'm going back to AA.

[John Kilroy]

Captain's Log

ugh another binder, another hangover. It doesn't make any sense, to be frank, you'd think that my healing factor would neutralize the intoxicating effects, but I guess not...more Perhaps I subconsciously suppress my healing factor so that I can get drunk. I know I'm doing the right thing. So why is it so hard to follow through? I'm trying to do what is best for everyone. I know people don't like it, but again it's just like growing up. It hurts. The physical pain hurts, and the emotional pain hurts even more to give up on childish concepts like liberty, but once someone lays aside childish things behind them, they find that life is better overall. But what will it take for people to finally understand? I'm beginning to lose my patience, with my coworkers, with my men, with the people...YOU ASKED FOR THIS!!! you laid the blame on me for Mckinny. and yet when I'm trying to fix everything...I need a drink.

[John Kilroy]

Captain's Log

I played some ping pong in the Avengers Tower with one of the robots. Fun game. It was nice to kind of be by myself and get away from the giant animal pen of the outside world. I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. I feel myself breaking. I've gotten to the point where I absolutely hate people.

All I want is peace. I just want some peace and quiet. Is it wrong to want order and stability? is it wrong to envision a world without chaos? Is that not what a hero strives for? I just want to do what is best for everyone. that's all I want.

Maybe I need to talk to a therapist. The nightmares are getting worse. I keep getting flashbacks. Alcohol can only do so much. If I keep going like this I'm going to fall apart.

[John Kilroy]

Captain's Log

I can't do this anymore. I'm at my breaking point. This is all just so mentally and emotionally taxing on me. A true warrior cannot live like this. I'm going to go back to basics. I'm going to try to talk to people again. I've spent so much time trying to prepare the world and trying to save it that I've forgotten how to be an actual person. Maybe I'll start out small, save some cats from trees, play some cards with the guys. Just do somthing to get people to trust me again. I just know I don't want to live like this anymore, having to worry about looking over my shoulder, having to look like the bad guy all the time. The old Carol Danvers had somthing that I'm lacking, and I'm bound and determind to rediscover it. So I guess we can refer to this as a coming back to basics.

[John Kilroy]

CAPTAIN'S LOG

Well for the first time in a while I got to enjoy a nice cup of coffee on my own terms. I needed it. Ever since the SRA and the civil war I felt like I've not been able to just sit down and enjoy myself. Leasure time is something that is so often taken for granted. Paradoxically it's a luxury that's a necessity. Maybe when this is all over I'll take a nice long holiday and leave it to a steward or something to handle things while I'm gone. I've heard the beach is nice and sitting on the beach on a lawn chair sipping on a pina colada while in a bikini or even in the nude certainly has it's appeal Ha! look at me talking about alcohol again. I need to drop the habit but I guess some habits are harder to drop than others.