Stark Snark (Slapstick/Iron Man)

[porcupine2099]

"Aww c'mon ya putz! Can't a guy get his morning coffee without a couple brutes in power armor running amok?" Slapstick groaned, currently crouched atop the head of an armored up Ravager, Steve was tapping on their visor before the second brute went to knock Slapstick off his partner's head, only succeeding in bashing his ally over the head with a makeshift bat once the clown jumped away.

"Oooh, that's gotta hurt. Say, did the Yankees sign that bat? Let me take a look!" Without giving the assailant a moment to process what he said, Slapstick swiped the bat straight from the Ravager's grip.

"Hmm...Die Mutie....Barbed Wire....Rusty nails...Nah not seeing any Yankees. Shame. Guess old Ruth was out of your wheelhouse ey?" Slapstick pondered aloud, dodging the swinging of fists in between each statement. "Ah well, you can have this back." As Steve then wound himself up, delivering a home run whack straight to...Well let's just say a pair of baseballs.

Collapsing with a wheeze, the Ravager would be clutching himself in agony. "You...Mutie....Scum..." They gasped out as Slapstick groaned, grabbing his forehead in annoyance. "Oh for the-This is the third time this week! Didn't Overkiller spread the memo?! I'm not a mutant you dunces!"

As Slapstick reached into his gloves, pulling out his trademark blue and purple mallet with a flourish. "Leave it to ol' Betsy here to really jog your memory!" Steve exclaimed with a smirk, winding up and delivering a mallet whack to the Ravager's keister, sending them soaring out the door of the coffee shop and into the air....Where they just may collide with a certain flying beer can.

[Rift]

Iron Man soared over the skyline, ignoring the constant flashing in the upper corner of his HUD. He'd needed to get out and away from S.H.I.E.L.D. today, not only because the never-ending onslaught of paperwork and juggling the calls and complaints of politicians and military brass was slowly killing his will to live, but also because of a new pet project. Not knowing who was a Skrull and who wasn't, meant he had to take precautions and assume that anyone could be an alien invader and thus all the normal systems and technology, including his own, could be compromised. To that end he was developing a new AI system, disconnected from the usual Stark related systems, capable of not only infiltrating S.H.I.E.L.D.'s own systems, but also of piggybacking off of any other intruders to track them back to their bases of operation.

The only problem was that AI, even limited AI such as the one he was testing, went through something akin to growth spurts and phases. As they learned and experienced things, they matured at a rate far exceeding that of humans. Unfortunately, until they did, they had issues and responses not dissimilar to adolescent children. He'd just gotten it over the hurdle of what he compared to the so-called "terrible twos" and now was dealing with a stage far worse. As such he didn't have time or patience for dealing with whoever was calling.

"Tell them I'm unavailable, that I am currently repositioning an out of orbit satellite or that I'm personally meeting with a confidential source related to that whole Madripoor debacle. Whichever you think is best depending on who it is. And if it's Hill, tell her it's a matter of national security and I can't risk breaking radio silence," he instructed it.

"Yo. Yeah, Tony don't want to talk you, he's like, I dunno, busy and stuff. Peace," it said before disconnecting the call.

"Oh for the love of...this? this is why I don't want kids. At least I can change your coding."

"Meh," it replied.

I swear I can almost see the digital shrug, Tony thought.

Lowering altitude he decided that he'd let it see how he interacted with others as he grabbed a burger. Little did he expect that his sensors would soon indicate an incoming projectile, something, no someone in armor. A small image appeared in the corner of his vision, specs on whatever it was coming from diagnostic tools.

"Is that a... Reaver? What the..." he thought.

Before he had the chance to lock on and blast it away with a repulsor, it collided with him, changing his trajectory and knocking him off balance. As he regained his footing having only knocked over a street sign and a mailbox, he triggered scans of the area and delivered a low level repulsor blast to the Reaver, knocking him unconscious. System diagnostic tools began running, trying to determine how he had been hit even after detecting it.

"Armor's running a second of two too slow. I need you to find out why and track back to where that came from," Iron Man ordered.

"Ugh! Do I have to? Fiiiiine," the AI asked.

Suddenly the armor's visuals shifted showing him an enhanced image from a Stark Satellite showing a purple haired...thing with some kind of hammer?

"And check the database, find out who or what this guy is."

Racing to Slapstick's location he hovered just off the ground, arms crossed.

"What exactly is happening here? Did you just throw a guy at me?" he asked.

[porcupine2099]

As the Reaver was soaring through the air, Slapstick gave his mallet a little twirl, blowing some smoke off the tip as if he had just shot a rocket. Leaning against his hammer while it rested on the ground, Slapstick turned his attention back to the Baristas. "Don't forget my drink, as sweet and sugary as you are babe~" Slapstick told the barista, winking and shooting the emotionally dead teenager a pair of finger guns before hearing the hovering tin can behind him as he turned around.

"Eyyy, Iron Man, everyone's favorite flying tequila shot. Haven't seen you since the whole Neutron Bum incident awhile back." It was then that Steve processed the statement from Tony, looking down at the other unconscious Reaver.

"Oh these saps? Eh forget about 'em. Couple of mugs thought I was a mutant and started a ruckus. Wasn't aimin' at ya, you just happened to be flying in my makeshift golf course. But seriously, me? A mutant? Talk about racial profiling from these stooges." Steve quipped, poking the unconscious Reaver with his foot before grabbing his coffee, tipping the barista a crisp high five before turning on a dime towards the door.

"Well then hot rod, if you're done imitating a school principle, I think I'll be on my way." Slapstick stated pretty matter of fact, slinging the mallet over his shoulder and whistling a chipper tune as he attempted to just walk right past Tony.

[Rift]

The AI reluctantly did as it was told, scanning Slapstick and pulling up any available information. The corners of Tony's HUD were filled with articles and even video detailing the destruction of a mall and what seemed to be a team-up with Spider-Man. What it wasn't showing was the living cartoon character of a man's registration status.

Damn it. SRA enforcement is probably the part I like least about the job. Under normal circumstances I would let this slide, after all Reavers deserve all bad things that happen to them, but people have seen me here. I can't turn a blind eye like I have with the Defenders or Gwen because I'm dead center in the middle of this without a plausible out. C'mon kid, don't make this more difficult... he thought as he ordered the AI to call for S.H.I.E.L.D. units to take the Reavers into custody.

"Uh, right. Reavers are Grade-A Dou--bad people and totally got what was coming to them. You defended yourself against highly dangerous zealots so, good on you. No problems on that front and a containment unit will be by to handle clean up and locking them away. There's one issue though kid," Iron Man said.

"Oh c'mon! He kicked their backsides around their ears with a giant mallet! That is so cool, you have to let this go! It was funny!" the AI said.

"Not helping. Besides, he's reckless. That Reaver nearly struck us and could have crashed into windows or even landed on some innocent bystander," Tony admonished.

"Pfft. That would have been even funnier! Can you imagine the hits on Youtube?"

Sighing, Iron Man reached over and laid a hand on Slapstick's shoulder as he tried to walk away.

"Like you said, your not a mutant, therefore under the Superhuman Registration Act you have to register. Not a huge deal kid and it saves you hassle down the line. Some folks are a lot more hardcore about this than me."